i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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