im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
