I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
