i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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