i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
