she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
