Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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