Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
