i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
