Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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