I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
