Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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