Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
