I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
