made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
