I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
