Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
