i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
