The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
