Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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