First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
