The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
