i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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