There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
