when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
