If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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