Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
