I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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