How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
