Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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