wanna go halves on a baby?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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