I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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