I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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