You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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