Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
