I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
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We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
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did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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