She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
