He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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