Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
