Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
