I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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