What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
