This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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