i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
