STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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