Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
