you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
