i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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