have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I got inside last night via doggy door
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
