You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
