my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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