So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
