I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm drive I can fine osifer
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
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I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
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The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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