Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
