At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
