I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
