I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
