my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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