college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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