even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
